Positive Ways of Saying No to a Child

Saying NO and denying your child of something he or she wants is one of the hardest things to do for a parent. On the surface, we don’t want to deal with an upset child. Digging deeper, loving parents just want to give children everything, the world even.

However, letting your child have his or her way all the time can be detrimental too. There are a lot of implications to saying no to a child. Are you denying him or her of something they truly desire? Is your parenting style conditioning your child to a limiting or a restrictive mindset? Are you spoiling your baby?

You can be deciding between giving in to your child’s wishes and seeing her or him happy or protecting him from the consequences of his actions. Between indulging or disciplining your kid. It is frustrating. But it is something every parent has to deal with, especially with strong-willed children. Being vague and just letting things happen might solve some of the dilemmas, but that is also sending wrong messages to our children. They can be confused with our indecisiveness and get the wrong impressions.

A direct and strong NO is a big no-no in parenting. It ignites resentment, rebellion, or dejection. But there are positive ways of saying no to your child. The key to getting a win out of an impossible quandary is finding the right way of saying the No message in relation to the situation and the temperament of your kid.

Positive Ways of Telling your Child NO

1. Give them a choice – Give your child the power to decide on the situation. Make them feel in control. By presenting a more favourable choice, they will not feel as deprived or denied of their wants. For example, your daughter wants candies, and it is half an hour away from dinner. Making her choose to have one candy now or three after dinner. If your son wants ten minutes more of playtime, you can let him choose between a five-minute extension now or playtime with his dog in the park in the near future. They can choose between a less favourable choice to have now or something a lot better in the future. Either way, you compromise and that is a win.

• Make conditions – Another way of ‘giving in’ to your child is by adding conditions to the request. Using the same scenarios as above, you can agree to give your daughter her candies, provided she eat them after finishing her dinner. Or agree to your son’s request of time extension, provided he switch to a less strenuous mode of play. You are meeting your child halfway, with both of you getting what you wanted.

• Take it from their point of view – Agree with your kid, if you must, then discuss the situation through their point of view. Call on your imagination and summon the help of somebody who your child looks up to. It could be a friend, a teacher, or a fictional character. Say, “What do you think Elsa would do if she wants some candies?” or “Do you think Milo would want you to stay longer in the park while he’s waiting for you right now? Often, it is easier for a child to agree when things are presented from their perspective.

• Go the logical path – A lot of kids prefer to be treated as ‘adults’, that is, the more mature way of interacting with them. Just present them with the facts, in a way that is understood by a child. This is convincing your child by giving him or her the consequences of his or her decision. For the first example, you can point out that eating candies before dinner will take away her appetite, and when she’s unable to eat healthy foods, she can easily get sick. For the second scenario, you can factually explain to your son that you need to get home soon as you need to finish some other chores, like cooking dinner, and if you’re late with dinner everyone will go hungry.

• Create a distraction – Another great way to deal with an impossible demand from a child is by providing them with an interesting distraction that will take away their attention from the situation. Instead of focusing on the candies that she wants, direct your daughter’s attention to the dinner that you are preparing. Let her help with the preparation! And instead of scolding your son for wanting to extend his playtime. Tell him about the new trick your dog learned. That will get him excited to go home, too!

It’s all about love.

Clashing with your child should be avoided as much as possible. As the parent, we are the ones who should be more understanding and accommodating. But that doesn’t mean that we always have to give in to the whims of the young. Weight all factors first. If the request is sensible or will not have any serious consequences, consider giving in. It is not a matter of who is in charge, it is all about creating a happy, giving, and mutually respecting relationship between you and your child.