How To Deal With Sibling Rivalry
It’s frustrating, and sometime scary, when your children are trying to have a go at each other to see who can hurt who the worst. Moments like that just make you want to pull your hair out. You may even wonder why you didn’t just stop at one! Of course, those thoughts subside when you find your children playing together, getting along really well. Why can’t it always be like that! But sibling rivalry is an inevitability. Every person is different and, especially when living together permanently, tend to clash, children are no different. So why do sibling rivalries occur and what can be done about them?
Why do sibling rivalries occur?
Your oldest child sits king on a throne of attention, affection, and toys that were all his. Suddenly along comes a new comer, who seems to want to share that throne. Now his parents are splitting their affection between him and his younger sibling. As his younger sibling grows up, she becomes more independent, wanting to use his toys and no longer tolerates being bossed around. Tension builds and explodes. Sibling rivalries commonly start over a competition for their parents’ attention before moving on to other day to day items. Eventually this rivalry becomes common place, taking many different forms. From competing in games or sports, to comparing grades in school and more. Heck, I’ve seen two adult siblings arguing over who has the highest qualification from university! Sibling rivalry is perfectly natural, and just comes from two people needing to share the same two people they love the most, their parents. Fortunately, sibling rivalry also teaches kids a few lessons too.
Are they sometimes a good thing?
Sibling rivalries do have a positive effect on children. It is great preparation for the real world, equipping with the knowledge on how to deal with other people when problems arise. Children learn how to deal with power struggles, manage conflict, assertiveness, and about negotiation or compromise. Each of these skills are necessary as an adult to navigate a world filled with people of opposing opinions and ambitions. Siblings act as the perfect test subject as these exact problems, albeit at a minor scale, are pushed between siblings. Your youngest child may constantly be trying to be in charge of what game to play while the older siblings may keep holding that power hostage. Inevitably this will cause an argument. After a bit of a fight, and finding a solution, your children will learn how to compromise and how to deal with unfair power distribution. Of course, if hitting and name calling gets involved things turn ugly and become a problem.
What can be done to prevent rivalries or reduce them?
When fights begin to get out of hand it is important to have a strategy to deal with them. Of course, preferably things don’t get out of hand and your children sort it out before you need to intervene. Fortunately, there are methods you can use to both prevent fights and break them up while still instilling a good message.
1.Teach your kids to stand up for themselves
There are two ways to teach children how to stand up for themselves, a healthy way and an unhealthy way. Telling your children to grow up, or man up, or reinforcing other gender or age roles is unhealthy. It doesn’t provide young children with any advice on how to overcome what they are facing, whether it be teasing or one child bossing the other. Instead it reinforces unhealthy attitudes that can be detrimental later in life. Instead teach your children skills to deal with teasing, such as joking along with it or not reacting to it, or skills to deal with bossiness, like how to compromise.
2. Don’t compare your children to each other
Be careful when comparing your children in front of them. To a child certain comparisons such as: “She is the smart one” sounds like: “I’m the dumb one” or “He is the athletic one” sounds like “I’m the lazy one” to the child who isn’t the “smart” or “athletic” one. Children tend to interpret comparisons as criticisms and may think that they are not as good or loved by their parents as much as their siblings. Of course, some people have talents that others do not have. So, instead refer to your children in a non-comparative way when in front of them.
3. Recognise when your children are playing nicely
Most of the time your children play nicely, and this is wonderful! There is peace in the house and you can finally relax. It is important to recognise these times and comment upon them to your children. By recognising that playing nicely is good they will aim to play nicely in the future. Alternatively, if you only recognise when they are fighting, they may begin to use it to get your attention. Children love attention from their parents, and often they fight each other for it. By giving them attention when they are fighting, but not when they are playing nicely, they will begin to associate getting attention with fighting.
4. Spend more one on one time with your children
If children are fighting just to gain your attention, a sure-fire way to reduce this is to spend time with them. Don’t be afraid to spend 10 minutes a day with each of your children individually. It is a win/win for them and for you. Your children will fight less for your attention, and you get some bonding time with each child individually.
5. Refuse to get involved
Naturally your children will want you to get involved in their arguments and will want you to take sides. Unfortunately, you can’t always be there for your children when they fight so you have to teach them to deal with their squabbles by themselves. Start by simply saying “It seems like you’ve got a problem” and nothing else. From there they will be forced to go and sort it out themselves. If that doesn’t work act as a mediator. Don’t take any side and encourage them to find and agree to a solution by themselves. By doing this you teach them how to compromise aiding them in dealing with similar situations away from home as they get older.
6. No share no play rule
This is a great rule for when there is one toy that the children are fighting over. By simply saying that neither of them can play with the toy unless a compromise is reached they will be forced to try to sort the problem out. With the pressure of neither of them being able to play with the toy you will be surprised with how quickly children can reach a compromise.
7. No hands rule
Another great rule when dealing with siblings who like to hit. Putting a no hands rule over your children helps discourage physical hitting under threat of punishment. While not fool proof it is a good deterrent and something that you can refer to when the kids are arguing.
8. Evenly distribute privileges
To avoid some fights, develop a system that distributes privileges evenly amongst your children. For example: you could develop a system where one child gets to ride “shotgun” in the car on the way to school, while the other rides “shotgun” on the way home. You could develop a system for anything that your children argue over “whose turn it is”. Things like pushing the button in the lift, or who washes the dishes and who takes out the rubbish bins.
9. Don’t punish children in front of each other
This is something that encourages teasing. While you may think that it is setting an example for the other children, children tend to not see things that way. If another sibling is punished in front of them the child will see it as an opportunity to tease them. Combine that with an already upset child and you will have a fight on your hands. Instead take each child to their room and punish them away from their siblings. This also gives you a chance to sit down and talk to your child to help them understand what they did wrong if they are unsure.
10. Set aside space for each child
Everyone needs alone time sometimes, even children. Set-up a space for each child to be able to play alone away from their siblings. Whether this be in their bedroom or other parts of the house. This space allows them to play with their personal toys in their own way uninterrupted. While they shouldn’t always play in this space as interaction with family is important, it is useful as a getaway when siblings are being annoying.
Conclusion
Sibling rivalry is frustrating to deal with, comes at the most insane times, over the most ridiculous things, but it is completely normal. It is completely natural for two people competing over a shared love, their parents, to develop a bit of tension from time to time. Unfortunately, it never really goes away as they grow up. Siblings will always compete, and will occasionally still argue. But if you have taught them how to deal with these types of situations as a young child then you won’t have to try to pull your grown up children off of each other. A bit of rivalry doesn’t hurt, and teaches a lot of lessons. So, test out the tips above, mix and match them, and see what works with your children.
What methods have you tried that helps with sibling rivalries?