Taming The Terrible Twos: Tantrums

Its that time that you’ve been dreading. Your child is two, and the tantrums have begun. Life has become a warzone against a little miss or mister who seems to take pleasure in causing endless amounts of stress, frustration and embarrassment. It may be tempting to just ride it out and give in to their demands, but you must resist! This stage of life is very important to your child’s development and rewarding temper tantrums is the last thing you want to do. Tantrums for two year old’s are quite natural after all. Fortunately, there are some great strategies that can help you get through this troubled time and ensure that it won’t continue beyond the terrible twos.  

What are temper tantrums?

Temper tantrums differ from child to child. Some may be explosive, involving screaming and kicking, others may be quiet but still equally frustrating, like breath holding and running away. A child during a temper tantrum will become stubborn and unreasonable but you can’t take it personally. It is natural for children around this age to have temper tantrums and is an important part of healthy brain development.  

According to UK Psychologist Margot Sunderland, Children who do not have temper tantrums around this age, occasionally, may miss out on some vital brain sculpting. They may have learnt early on that expressing big feelings results in a frightening parental response. Later on in life, this child may have trouble dealing with frustrations, responding with anger, or struggle to be assertive. As much as you may hate it now, these temper tantrums are important to your child’s development.

Why do temper tantrums occur?

You put your child’s cereal in the blue bowl instead of the pink bowl. The cookie snapped. You told your child that cow’s go moo. Now they are on the floor screaming and crying. To us this seems absolutely ridiculous! How could someone just so sweet suddenly snap because of a different bowl colour, or about having to wait another minute for their favourite show to come on TV. But if we put ourselves in their shoes we can begin to see why they are upset. After all, do you like being told what to eat, wear, or that your entire perception of how the world works is wrong? 

The natural Adult response to that, if we are honest, is of course, we hate our independence being taken away, but unlike toddlers we don’t have a tantrum. Which is true, because our brains can comprehend a complex range of emotions. During the terrible twos your child has just discovered independence. They realise that they can do things on their own and want to. At this stage they also begin forming opinions on the world around them. The problem is that their body and emotional comprehension development hasn’t quite caught up yet. Your tot may want to carry their bowl to the table, but suddenly realise that they have no idea how to. They have little sense of balance and it results in a disaster. Food everywhere, the bowl on the floor, no breakfast for the hungry child. Normally an adult would respond by cleaning up and going to get more food, a toddler on the other hand sees things differently. They cannot comprehend what just happened or how it happened, the world is suddenly ending in their mind. Their brain tells them that they should be able to carry their bowl to the table, but clearly, they cant. World view shattered. Life changed. Tantrum. Toddlers just do not know how to comprehend what has happened to them. Add to this a limited knowledge on how to express feelings, and a limited understanding of what they are feeling, they just explode.    

The frustrating part for parents is that the bowl dropping to the floor may not even be what they are having a tantrum about. Your child was woken up from her nap by her baby brother crying, Mummy was too busy with the baby to give any attention, Daddy put the wrong clothes on (she wanted to wear the pink dress today), and then he just told her that the cow goes moo when she thought it went oink! So by the time she has dropped her blue bowl (she also wanted a pink bowl) and spilt her food she has already had the worst day. Tired, hungry, the only way her toddler brain knows how to respond is to tantrum.

How to deal with temper tantrums 

If temper tantrums are inevitable, and natural, for your two year old you may be feeling helpless against the oncoming storm. But do not worry, there are methods that you can use to lessen the number of tantrums or manage them when the storm has arrived.

Avoiding Tantrums 

Avoiding a toddler tantrum is possible and one of the best ways to manage tantrums. However, no method will work 100% of the time and it is perfectly normal that some tantrums will slip through the cracks. Here are some ideas that may help: 

• Try to give toddlers some control over little things: This is all about asking the right questions. Try asking your child if they want drink apple juice or orange juice, instead of asking “what do you want to drink”. Allowing them to pick from options still gives you control, while they feel independent. 
• Pick your battles: Sometimes saying no to small things that result in a tantrum is a waste of energy. So what if they want to use the pink bowl over the blue one, it won’t do any harm. It allows your little one to feel a little bit independent. There are obviously things that are non-negotiable. Seatbelts are a must, no you cannot stick a fork in the toaster. But letting little things go will save you energy.  

• Learn your child’s triggers: Do tantrums commonly happen when your child is tired or hungry? Learning some of the common causes for your child’s tantrums can save you a lot of frustration. If tiredness is a trigger perhaps don’t go grocery shopping before a nap. Or if it’s hunger bring along some healthy snacks and water for when the munchies bite. 
• Cut out junk food: Sugar and caffeine found in most junk foods can send your child bananas. It could be stopping them from sleeping at nap time causing potential disasters. Switching to healthier snacks and foods will help prevent those tantrums caused by excess energy.  

Managing Tantrums 

When the inevitable does happen and a tantrum strikes it is best to know some strategies that can help both you and your child deal with the problem. Here are some ideas on how to deal with tantrums in the moment: 

• Stay calm: You may be tempted to enact a quick punishment, or spank your child, but remaining calm and being patient will help more. Let yourself calm down before speaking to your child, take a moment if you need to, then use a calm and level voice. If you are in a public space do not leave your child alone, remain close by so that they know they can rely on you for comfort. If things are becoming disruptive quickly pick up your child and move to a different space.  

• Offer comfort: You know your child best, you will know whether the tantrum they are having is small, or explosive. Trust your judgment to know whether it is better to leave your child to let off some steam, or if they need to be removed from the situation. If it is the former, when they calm down, provide reassurance by hugging your child and telling them that you love them. If it is the latter, hold them firmly but calmly and remove them from the situation. After they have calmed down offer them reassurance and a hug. By providing love and attention afterwards you are rewarding them for settling down.
• Stick by your “No”: Do not reward tantrums by reversing your position. This will teach your child that they can use tantrums to get what they want, increasing their frequency. It is better to say yes before a tantrum than afterwards.
• Time outs: Sometimes the best method in dealing with tantrums is a simple time out. Giving them a moment to calm down can help alleviate the tantrum. The general rule of thumb is one minute per year of the child’s age. Just remember that once the child has calmed down reward them for it by giving them a hug.

Conclusion 

Tantrums are inevitable in the terrible twos. They suck, are embarrassing while in public and cause endless frustration. But they are an important element to your child’s brain development. Fortunately, if you begin to practice different strategies for your child to both avoid and manage tantrums, they will begin to be less of a hassle. The key element to each strategy is love. Remind your child that they are loved and safe, even when they are screaming, and after the storm is passed your little angel will return.